If not for you, I wouldn't be here writing an entry. If not for you, I wouldn't be the person I've become for the past years. If not for you, I wouldn't have a story of my own to share. If not for you, my life won't start. For the past years, my life was a roller coaster. Sometimes, the experiences that I had belong to the extremes. But no matter how many times I tell my life stories to other people, everything will boil down to the fact that I was your daughter and that I came from you. Sabi mo nga, "bali-baligtarin mo man ang mundo, ako pa rin ang nanay mo."
When I was a kid, I used to browse your old photo albums and realized how free-spirited you were back then. You've gone to places, gained more friends, collected memories, and shared experiences. At that point, I realized that somehow I wanted to achieve that. I wanted to experience that. Yet again, I couldn't achieve those without hearing from you and your stories. I know sometimes I complain and tell you "kinwento mo na yan," "narinig ko na yan," "ehhh, paulit-ulit," but if you look at them positively, you'll realize how much I listen to your stories that I can distinguish those that you already mentioned and those that are new. hehe (I know I repeated the quote, ganda mo sa picture eh, pareho magandang pang-start :p)
Oha, maka-"eludes" haha! Though we're not kids anymore, I feel like we've grown so attached to you that we always chase after the love that we experienced from you and papa when we were kids. I remember saying "I love you" EVERY SINGLE DAY when we were kids, I don't know when it ended officially, but it's disappointing. We would always look back and see good childhood memories... full of love, full of good times. Sabi mo nga nung isang araw, "kakailangan mo rin ako." As much as I don't want to accept that fact, it's true.
Ang cute cute mo sa picture nato haha! You look so blooming, so happy, so stress-free :) When I was a kid, I used to compare you to other mothers. Sometimes, you were greater than them, and sometimes, they were greater than you... at least in my most innocent and biased-free thoughts. After some time though, I began to see your efforts, the long hours you stay up awake for work, the times you absent yourself from work just to go to a parents' meeting, the pasalubongs that you brought us no matter how tired you were, the christmas(es) and new year's eve that you were not with us because of work (and the list goes on). I realize that no one would do these things just because it's their responsibility. No one would do such things just because the law and society expects her to do. Someone must have a heart in order to fulfill all of these... a pure heart that is. Someone so dedicated and hardworking has that pure heart... and I saw that in you. Every day, various individuals around the world are recognized for their hard work. They are promoted and awarded as they are acknowledged by their bosses. You do this everyday, without a promotion, an award, or reward at stake. You do everything for free... out of love. Out of PURE LOVE.
This, I am very guilty. I know I don't get to spend more time with you. Even it's just the two of us at home. We're glued to our laptops and workloads (and probably facebook and social media sites) that we don't get to talk to each other more. I know you'd somehow blame the dates I have with other people close to me, but sometimes, the gap between the two of us is to be blamed. We've been used to fighting over the most petty things. I am not easy to deal with, and so are you (haha! Quits tayo :P) but that story must not end there. I see your efforts to reach out and I appreciate them. That's why as much as possible, I also try to bond with you...and papa and bea.
This is one of the best quotes I love from the book. "Children forget that sometimes, they think of themselves as a burden instead of a wish granted." Maybe, it's because I am able to relate to it. You know how emotional I get sometimes (I think I got that from you, haha) and I tend to put the blame to myself. I promise this and that but I end up not meeting them. I wanted to pursue this and that... I wanted to buy this for you and that... I wanted to earn this and that... and somehow when I don't get to achieve them. I feel sad, disappointed, and yes... a burden. When I look back and think of the dreams you had for me, the things you wanted for me, and how I never pursued them (yet), I feel disappointed. But somehow, I am also proud because I am also happy with whatever I am doing. I know you're not the type to ask things from me... but not being able to give you some things that you wanted feels like I'm more of a disappointment than a wish granted. A part of me wanted to tell you not to tell me what things to do and decisions to make, but I know you're only concerned and want what you think is best for me. I hope I am still more of a wish granted, than a burden (though I know most of the time, I more of a burden). I also hope it's not yet too late to fix things.
No matter how many times we fight and have misunderstandings, no one and nothing can change the fact that you're my mama. The authority will always be granted to you. Thank you for being there for me all the time. Thank you for forgiving me at times when I am wrong. As I would always write in my letters, thank you for your very long and undying love and patience. Thank you for trying to understand me and my decisions. Thank you for being the coolest and most kwela mama! Thank you Ma! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! I LOVE YOU!♡
P.S. It's 1:40 am (May 10) I think I won't make it to Mother's Day (May 12). Thus, this post. It's NOT free from grammatical errors :)
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